I think I might be a quitter...

So, this morning was boot camp.  The wife and I woke up at 4:40am to get to the gym by 5am.  The class started at 5:15am.  There was very little introduction and no real set of instructions, just "Let's warm up.  Push ups!"

After the warm up (which was a workout for me, what with the running, jumping jacks, kicking, lunging and squatting and such), the instructor informed us that we'd be doing time trials. 

I am not particularly proud to admit that I burst into tears at that.  There I was, fattest person in the class (other than, you know, the 6'5" guy), finding out that I was going to have to run laps and do squats and whatever the hell "daisy cutters" are (I have never heard that term in my life, and I've been acquainted with my fair share of exercise videos) in front of everyone.  And be timed. 

And all of my anxieties - about being fat, out of shape, ashamed, performing in front of other people, failing in front of other people - came rolling out of me.  I don't think anyone but the wife saw me cry, but I'll admit that it was not my proudest moment.  Not even in the top 10. 

My wife said, "Let's go home.  We can go.  No one will care."

But, being both stubborn and really, really not wanting to quit in front of other people, I said no.  I said no, and the wife and I ran our laps and did our mountain climbers and tricep dips and all of the rest of it.  We modified, as the instructor told us we could, and we didn't finish last (the 6'5" guy did, in case you were wondering).

I was so far outside of my comfort zone that I wasn't even in its orbit.  I wasn't even in the same solar system.  I wanted to die.  I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.  It's 8 hours later and I still want to die. 

So I'm going back and forth on whether or not to go back on Wednesday.  Wednesday is an obstacle course, and just hearing that made me want to curl up into a great big ball of shame and weep.  I just don't think I'm ready for this.  I think that boot camp at this point in my journey is asking a lot.  Of course, I also think I may be rationalizing my way out of a very uncomfortable situation. 

 Oh, hell.  I have no idea.

After boot camp, we came home, showered and I went back to sleep for a couple of hours - since I had my first fill appointment at 9:30am, I just took the whole morning off of work. 

I was worried that the traumatic boot camp experience was setting the stage for a traumatic time at the doctor's office.  But everything went really, really smoothly.  They do all of their fills under fluoro, and the whole process was really smooth - 30 seconds at most.  I also didn't find it particularly uncomfortable, though the woman who went after me told me that hers hurt like hell.  I'm pretty sensitive to pain (and I hate needles), but mine didn't feel like anything dramatic.

So now I'm filled and on liquids today (I'm starving!) and then mushies tomorrow.  The best part is that they cleared me to start swimming in my own pool, so that's where I'll be after work today (and every day for the rest of the summer).