Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Do you ever really *deserve* food?

This morning, for reasons that will remain unmentioned, I spent 20 minutes sitting on the floor of a family bathroom in the lobby of a hotel downtown, sobbing uncontrollably.  Yes, it's one of Those Days.

As I drove home from that hotel, I found myself thinking, "I want to go to Taco Bell.  I want a fucking Burrito Supreme.  And a Number 5 combo, with a Baja Blast.  It's been such a shitty day and it's not even noon, and I've been so good these last 7 weeks.  I deserve Taco Bell." 

Many months ago, just after my first serious GERD incident, I quit smoking.  Those of you who smoke or who have quit smoking are going to hate me for this, but - Quitting wasn't hard for me.  One day I just stopped.  The end.  One day I woke up with no desire to smoke anymore, and I haven't since.  It wasn't a difficult thing to do.  I didn't have cravings.  I didn't miss it.  Smoking was just out of my life, almost like I'd always been a non-smoker.  No big deal.

Fast food is a different beast for me.  You may tell me that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, but I'll tell you this - nothing feels as good as numbing myself with food.  Hi, it's nice to meet you.  I'm an emotional eater and a fast food addict. 

I didn't stop at Taco Bell.  Instead, I went home. For lunch, I ate one of my homemade burritos, which clocks in at 266 calories.  I saved myself 1,674 calories.  It was the right choice.  But I'm not sure why I didn't stop at Taco Bell.  I'm not sure what happened in my head to make me keep driving.  I don't think it was willpower.  I think I just got lucky. 

I hate that my first thought, my first reaction to stress, is to eat fast food.  I hate that food, the thing that we all need to live, is my addiction.  I hate that I can't kick it the same way I kicked smoking, right to the curb without looking back.

I hate that the rest of my life is going to be a struggle with The Food Demon, and that I'm not always going to get lucky.


  1. So sorry to hear you had such a rough day. I am a fast food junkie too....love me some Taco Bell. For the last 7 months I have avoided fast food except for "have to" situations like traveling. I now try to make the "healthier" choices. Something about making a "healthy" choice at a fast food place usually just pisses me off and puts me in a bad mood.

  2. OMG! I'm so glad I found you by accident. We are sooooooooooooo alike. Hang in there.

  3. Hey curious... do you have any skin sagging going on? I watched a show on TLC recently and they showed people who had the gastric bypass and all their skin sagged so severly because they lost so much weight so quickly... so I'm worried that'll happen with me and my lap band... but so far I have NOT read any where on any one's blog that that is happening. You seem so blunt and up front.. and I like you already... figured you'd tell it to me straight up. Thanks, Amy

    1. Thanks!

      I had my surgery just over a month ago, so I've only lost 37 pounds to date. On me, that is one pants size - not nearly enough to have excess skin. But I'm scared of it, too, so I've been doing a lot of weight training in the hopes that things will be toned, rather than flabby, when the fat goes away. Only time will tell!