Friday, March 30, 2012

Migraines make me random

Ooof, I have what I suspect to be the beginning of a migraine.

The aura hasn't started yet, but I'm feeling particularly vertigo-ey.  It's really unpleasant, just sitting and waiting for the migraine to start.  Plus, my right eye won't stop twitching.  Anyway, while I wait, a few random thoughts:
  • I bought 12 Mega Millions tickets yesterday.  I don't normally play the lottery, but this jackpot is too big to resist.  $12 was what was left in my wallet from the last time the missus and I went to the local casino.
  • This weekend, assuming that I don't win the lottery, I'm planning to rehang, with nails this time, the photo collage over our bed that fell down when the Command strips we used totally failed.  35 pictures.  All fell down.  Screw you, 3M.
  •  I'm hoping to make it to the gym tonight, if the migraine doesn't slow me down.  Tonight will make 8 days in a row.
  •  The woman who sits next to me at work seems to have made it her life's mission to be as loud as humanly possible.  Every day.  Every minute of every day.  She talks loud, she uses her speakerphone, she breathes loud, she's actually currently cleaning out her desk and repeatedly slamming all of the drawers.  I kind of want to slam *her face* in a drawer.
  •  I tried (for the third time) to eat cottage cheese today.  I've tried it with various things mixed in, and I just can't get past the texture.  I think that I will never be a cottage cheese fan.  

Thursday, March 29, 2012

10 Things Thursday

1.  I've been having a problem lately - the area between my boobs itches.  Intensely.  Like, I kind of want to rub a cheese grater all over it for hours at a time (I haven't actually done that, thanks).  It's wildly inappropriate at work.  I can't determine if it's boob sweat as the weather gets warmer (I doubt it, because I've never had this before, and I've had sweaty boobs for at least 15 previous summers) or if it's the laundry detergent.  I hope it's not the detergent, because my beautiful wife coupons, which means we have at least 20 bottles of the stuff.  Though I suppose I could sell it for drugs.

2.  The interior designers came today (don't go thinking I'm highfalutin' with interior designers and such - there was a Living Social deal).  I was...  not impressed.  They didn't offer any ideas I didn't already have, and they wanted me to stucco my brick fireplace.  Mk. 

3.  Saw Hunger Games for the fourth time last night.  Also, I bought Hunger Games art off of etsy.  Don't worry, it's minimalistic.  And cute.  The art.  Not the movie.  The movie is not cute.  Though Josh Hutcherson is cute.  Looking at him makes me feel like a pervy old lady.  Stop talking, self, before you reveal too much.

This photo combines my two favorite things:  Arms and bread.  And now I've revealed too much.

4.  Been to the Y 6 days in a row.  Plan to go directly after work to make it 7.  I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to squeeze in exercise when I'm traveling through three different cities next week.  I'll make it work!

5.  My dog needs a haircut.  He has Old Man Hair.  And sad eyes.

6.  I like to put images in my posts, even if they're just random things that I find on Google images.  For thing number one on this list, I Googled "boob itch."  Bad idea.

7.  We're going to Vegas next weekend because at the airport on the way home from our New Year's trip, I opened my wallet and found a payout slip for $140 that I hadn't cashed in.  It expires 6 months from date of issuance.  So we're spending quite a bit more than $140 to go back to Vegas to claim $140.  Logic, she is twisted.

8.  I want an iPad, but I've been having a problem convincing myself to pull the trigger.  But I really, really want one.  Maybe I should make it a reward for hitting a goal post-band.

9.  I need to weed in the backyard this weekend.  There are dandelion plants that come up to my waist.  And I am nearly 6 feet tall. 

10.  I'm ready for it to get just a few degrees warmer so that we can officially open the pool.  We had it cleaned a couple of days ago, but the water is still too chilly to do anything other than put my legs in up to the knee. 

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Show me that smile again...

Next week, I have to fly to Chicago on Tuesday, back home on Wednesday and then out again on Thursday to Philly and back on Friday.  Then we're going to Vegas on Sunday.  Ayiyi.  Saving up my miles for first class to Australia, baby! 

Work is nuts.  Nutty.  My co-workers are currently harmonizing to the Growing Pains theme song.  The inmates have taken over the asylum.

Having the wife working at the YMCA makes going to the gym so much easier.  Plus, it's super cheap with the employee benefits.  I just wish they had a few different cardio machines, other than bike, elliptical, treadmill.  I'd love a rowing machine.  I miss the workout that came with rowing.  I don't miss pulling the boat out of the water, though.  Or, oooh, on The Biggest Loser last night, I spotted one of these:

 It looks like a torture device, but I'd still totally try it. 

Still investigating the iBand.  Leaning towards doing it, but I'm not completely convinced yet.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


I had my follow up with my doctor today after my EGD last week.  He said, "we went shopping for a hernia and we found a big one!"  Apparently, it's 6cm.  Which is large in Hernia Land, I suppose.

And then the doctor said, "We're running a clinical trial on something called iBAND, which is plication plus the band.  You don't have to decide if you'd like to participate today - you just let us know on surgery day!"  It sounds appealing - band with plication, faster weight loss, lower risk of slippage.  But it's also so new, and it sounds like surgery as developed by Apple...

I'm gonna be spending a lot of time thinking about this before May 16th.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Week of Crazy

This last week has been insane.

(Do you know how many pictures of Tyra Banks you get when you Google "crazy?"  Answer:  A lot.)

Last Monday, I had my EGD.  I arrived at the hospital at 6:15am (I was supposed to be there by 6, but I got a little lost trying to find it), checked in by 6:30, was in my gown by 6:45 and was wheeled back at 7:15.  Then I had the best nap of my life, woke up at 7:30 and was dressed and out of there by 7:45.  It went very smoothly - the nurses and doctors were all so nice (though the anesthesiologist was a bit of a cocky turd).  No grogginess, no pain, nothing.  I would feel really confident having my band surgery at this place (not sure if it will be here or at one of the other places my doctor works).  I was having breakfast at IHOP at 8 and shopping for new kitchen fixtures at 9, since I had the whole day off and felt fine.  I did wind up taking a nap in the afternoon, but that was mostly because I'd been awake since 4am after about 3 hours of sleep.  Plus, I like to nap.

Tuesday, the storms rolled in just as I was scheduled to fly to New York.  My flight was delayed 2-1/2 hours, but I was still in the city by 4pm (even after my car service driver tried to kill me in Newark).  I settled in to my hotel and took a long nap (are we sensing a theme?) before meeting up with my BFF from grad school.  We went to Meme for dinner, then over to Soho House for bingo, where a drag queen told me I had the biggest boobies he'd ever seen and demanded a picture of them.  Lemme tell you, when drag queens are jealous of the size of your rack, you know it's time to lose weight.

Wednesday was spent trying not to fall asleep in an all day conference.  I succeeded.  Mostly.

(Additionally, do you know how many Twilight-related screenshots you get when you Google "boring?")

And then, of course, Wednesday night saw much drinking at the rooftop bar at Hotel Gansevoort as we celebrated not falling asleep in the all day conference.  Or something.  All I know is...  well, not much.  I haven't been that drunk in a long time, and won't be again for a long time.

Thursday morning, I slept it off on the floor of the Newark airport.  (I know, I'm covered in Jersey now.)  I flew home with my hangover, took a nap (yes, again!) and was up at 8pm for dinner at the Melting Pot, followed by the midnight showing of The Hunger Games.  Loved the movie, hated the crowd.  Why are people so rude?  Why would you pay $10 for a movie ticket and spend the whole time on your phone, or getting up and down to go outside and smoke?  Sit down, turn off your phone and watch the damn screen, seriously.  You are not important enough to be texting that much at midnight.  No, I promise.

Then Friday, I was seriously spent, so I called in late to work and slept in until 10:30.  It was blissful.  When I did go in, no one else was there - also blissful.  The joys of coming back from a business trip the day before everyone else.  I took it easy for most of the afternoon, then joined the wife at the gym for a bit of cardio and weights.  Friday night, I crashed early.

Saturday, it was off to the movies again - yes, another showing of The Hunger Games.  I saw it again on Sunday, too.  Don't judge me.  I also went to the gym both of those days, so I'm counting the weekend as a win.

I have my follow up doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.  When I was in the recovery room after my EGD, he told me that I had a "huge" hernia.  Fun!  

Friday, March 16, 2012

I like to merchandize my shelves. Stop judging.

I've been slowly stocking up on the things that I'll need for my pre- and post-surgery life.  Which means getting rid of the alcohol to make room for better choices (but as you can see, not the glasses.  Or the brandy.  But that's for cooking.  I swear.):

I report to the hospital at 6am on Monday for the scope.  I spoke to a nurse on the phone today who took my medical history "to speed things up in the morning."  Clearly, she doesn't want to be awake at 6am any more than I do. 

Things are progressing!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Do you take Diner's Club?

I admit it - I went Girls Gone Wild in my early 20s.  Not in the sexy way (well, okay, there was a bit of that), but in the spendy way.  But instead of this:

It was more like this:

Sure, I bought my fair share of useless stuff, but I bought way more than my fair share of crappy food.  In any given week, 80% of my credit card balance was spent on beer, fast food and bar food (the other 20% was spent on DVDs and junk from Target).

Even after I graduated from college, I continued to spend like crazy, almost entirely on food.  Dining out every night, plus groceries (because I need midnight snacks, right?).  I remember going to the grocery store once and only buying beer and cookies.  With a credit card.  I had a relatively high paying job and no student loan debt, but I was living eating way above my means.

I was lonely, I hated my job and I was bored.  I was out of control, both in spending and in eating.  Spending and eating were so highly correlated for me that I ended up with $12k in credit card debt and weighing 314 pounds.

I haven't used credit cards in more than three years (with the exception of the plumbing emergency right after we moved in to the new house).  Today, I made a $12,462.06 payment on my MasterCard.  That was the balance of what I ate in my early 20s.

According to my math, I just paid $87.76 for every pound I gained over my target weight.  As unbelievable as it sounds, I paid to be fat.  With interest in the form of stretch marks, acne and GERD.

The MasterCard is paid off now.  I'm done paying the debt I accrued in order to be fat.  Now, if I have to accrue a little debt to get my band, to be healthy - I'm going to do it without hesitation.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Happiest Place on Earth


My wife is a huge Harry Potter fan.  Her big dream is to go to Universal Studios and do the Harry Potter experience or whatever it is that they have there (not being a huge Harry Potter fan, I have no idea what it's called and honestly don't care enough to Google it).  When I started investigating WLS, I told her that I would take her to Disney World and Universal Studios and the whole Orlando song and dance a year after I got my Lap Band.  I figured that gave me enough time to lose enough weight that I wouldn't be incredibly anxious about fitting on the rides.

And then the wife found out that I'm going to Orlando in April (for work).  At the same time that good friends of hers will be driving through Orlando.

*double sigh*

In other words - "You don't fit on this ride, fatty."

And now I've been roped in to a two-day side trip to Disney World and Epcot (not Universal Studios, because the friends think it's a waste of time).  Suddenly, The Happiest Place on Earth feels a lot more like:

I've been doing my research, and it does seem that many, if not most, of the rides at Disney/Epcot are of the type that will accommodate my girth.  That said, I'm so worried about those that might not that I kind of don't want to try anything, lest I be humiliated in front of the wife and her friends. 

I wish this trip was happening next year.  Hell, I wish I hadn't let myself get to this size in the first place, as I wouldn't be having this anxiety now.

One day, I will go to an amusement park without a second thought, and I will ride every single ride, probably more than once.  I promise myself that.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I'm still not sure it's real...

Last Friday, March 9, at 4:04pm, I got a phone call from my doctor's office that my insurance company had approved my Lap Band surgery. 

Surprise!  I hadn't even realized they'd submitted me for approval.

Let me back up.

Last December, my partner and I took our annual New Year's vacation to Vegas.  God, I love Vegas.  Booze and food and slot machines and Dirty Shirley Temples and food.  It's like my Mecca.  Tragically, on day 3 of the 6 day trip, I developed horrific chest pains.  I could barely move.  I couldn't stop throwing up.  It felt like an Oompa Loompa was sitting on my chest with a large knife, repeatedly stabbing me in the sternum.  And I was 1,200 miles from home.

I spent New Year's Eve in bed at Aria in Las Vegas - in a gorgeous room with a view of Planet Hollywood.  I was curled up in the fetal position wishing for death. 

I'm not the type who goes to the doctor - ever.  But when I got back home, I went to the urgent care clinic and was diagnosed with GERD.  My sexy new disease caused me to miss a week of work.  I couldn't eat much of anything without wheezing and coughing and wishing for death.  No matter what or how slowly I ate, no matter how many antacids I took, I was miserable.  

And one day, I got fed up.  I got tired of it.

I got tired of the reflux and the coughing and the wheezing, but even more than that, I got tired of all of the other things that came along with my ballooning weight:

- Anxiety over fitting into airplane seats/rollercoasters/benches/booths, etc. (I fit into most airplane seats, but only barely - I'm That Fatty.  When you see me coming, you think, "Please, don't be sitting next to me.")
- Inability to shop for cute clothes that don't cost a fortune (Seriously, I refuse to spend $70 for a crappy LB cardigan)
- Need for midday naps (I hate that I need them, but I do so love taking them)
- Borderline high blood pressure (and fear of the bp cuff)
- Migraines (that developed right after I turned 30)
- Breaking beds (my partner and I broke two beds in the last 6 months, one of which was on our wedding night, and it wasn't in the sexy way)
- Acne (hot)
- Hidradenitis suppurativa (hotter! (no, seriously, if you don't know what it is, don't Google it.))

And I started considering WLS.  A did a quick spot of research (when I say quick, I mean about two weeks) and decided I wanted the Lap Band.  I called my insurance company to figure out what I needed to do.  Through them, I found out that there's exactly one doctor in my town who is covered by them.  I love it when the decision is easy (because otherwise, I will waffle harder than a waffley thing.  Indecision is my middle name.).  I made an appointment with him.

When I went in for my consult, I was ready with all kinds of questions (my doctor has had Lap Band surgery himself and looks great).  My doctor answered them all pretty quickly, and then we talked for a long time about how many people with my company get the Lap Band through him (my company and Allergan are competitors, though not in the gastric band arena).

My weight at this first consult?  314.  I was fully prepared for a weight in the 280s - I've been there before.  But I've never in my adult life been over 300.  I was sad.  But also happy, because at my height, 314 puts me at a BMI just short of 44 - meaning that I qualified for the Lap Band by almost 2 points (my insurance requires a BMI of 42 - there's no exception for co-morbidities).

Then came the fun things - the psych eval and the nutritionist.

I'll be honest, I was nervous about the psych eval (also, when you Google Images for "psychological evaluation," you end up with a lot of pictures of Casey Anthony.).  Nervous that the psychiatrist would ask me a few questions and deduce that I'm mentally unstable and unfit for the band.  But it went really well - she asked me 30 minutes of questions, mostly about my weight loss plans and support system, and then she told me that she'd fax her approval to the office that afternoon.

The nutritionist was fun.  I've been reading Lap Band stories for a while now, and I've been fascinated by the different methods used by different doctors.  I had a ton of questions for her, and I got a bunch of information that I've probably read 30 times by now.

I scheduled my endoscopy for next Monday.  They do an endoscopy on anyone with a history of heartburn.  I'm really nervous, mostly about the anesthesia.  On Tuesday, I have to get on a plane to New York, so I hope I do better this time than when I got my wisdom teeth out.

And I thought that was as far as I would get until after the endoscopy.  Until the phone call last Friday.  They told me to call back yesterday for my surgery date:

May 16th.  It seems a long way away, but I'm sure the time will fly.