I apologize up front for being a little #humblebrag today...

God help me.  It's 8:40 in the morning on a Monday, and I've already had to call my wife to have her tell me why I can't quit my damn job.

But wait.  I have good news.  And I'm not going to let my stupidhead boss take my focus away from my good news:

I am officially down 42 pounds.  42 pounds in 56 days.  I wanted to say something last Thursday, when I first saw the number on the scale, but since it wasn't an official weigh-in day, I had to wait.

I wasn't particularly excited about 30 pounds.  But I'm excited about 42, because it means I have exactly 100 pounds left to lose.

I had a fill appointment on Saturday morning.  This time, my surgeon was the one doing the fills.  When he took me back into the room, he asked me how much weight I'd lost and then told me he needed a hundred more patients like me.

Boy, did that make me feel good.  I felt like every morning that I got up and went to bootcamp, even though I wanted nothing more than two more hours of sleep, it was worth it.  Every time I took a little longer grocery shopping because I was looking for the better food choices, it was worth it.  Every time I made my own lunch the night before work, it was worth it.  Every time I put on that Zumba belt and sweated for 45 minutes playing on the Wii, it was worth it.  Every time that I drove past the fast food instead of through the drive-thru, it was worth it.

I'm not done.  Not by a long shot.  But I've lost 30% of my excess weight in two months.  And now, for the rest of my journey, whenever I feel like slacking off on my diet or my exercise, I can look back on how accomplished I feel today, and I can use this feeling right now to motivate me.

Now, if I could find some accomplished feeling that would keep me from shanking my boss.

Second Fill Scheduling

At my last fill appointment, on 6/4, it was kind of a comedy of errors when it came time to schedule my next fill (my doctor requires 3 weeks between fills):

Scheduler (S):  What about the week of 6/25?
Me (M):  I'm going to be out of town that week.  What about the week of 7/2?
S:  All of our doctors are going to be out at a conference that week.  What about the week of 7/9?
M:  I'm going to be out of town that week.  *sigh*  I guess it will have to be the week of 7/16. 
S:  Okay, 7/16.  I'm going to put you on the waiting list for the week of 6/25, just in case.

Cue me being kind of apprehensive, because I've been getting pretty hungry between meals lately (at about the 3 hour mark).  But, I was resigned to having to wait 6 weeks for my fill (by the way, I don't know how those of you who have to wait 6 weeks after surgery for your first fill manage it!  I was so hungry two weeks after my surgery that I could have eaten a horse and a hippo.).  Until yesterday:

S:  Hi, I have you on the list for a cancellation.  We've got an opening Saturday morning at 9:30...
M:  SOLD!  Also, I love you.

So tomorrow morning at 9:30 sharp, I will be at the doctor's office.  I will follow that with a stop at the movies to see Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.  And then I will spend the afternoon floating in the pool. 

Weekend, thank god you're only 6 hours away...

Ten Things Thursday

1.  I just saw a (good) crazy number on the scale.  It's not official, because Monday is weigh-in day, but if it sticks around for a few more days, I'm going to be so pleased!

2.  The wife decided last Monday that we were too reliant on the scale.  She hid it and made me promise not to look at it until today.  I cheated and looked at it yesterday.  Scale addict!

3a.  I've had such a shitty week at work so far that I took a mental health day today.  It was getting to the point where I was going to reply to one of my boss' absolutely idiotic emails with, "No, I can't do that.  Also, I quit."

3b.  I got a text from a co-worker this morning.  It said, "You didn't quit, did you?"

3c.  On my mental health day, I slept in until 9:30, ate breakfast and spent several more hours in bed with the wife before she had to go to work.  Then I did Zumba on the Wii and spent about an hour in the pool.  Why can't life always be like this?

3d.  My living room painting project is currently 3/4 done.  I should spend some time on that this afternoon.  But I'm not gonna.

4.  I got myself a FitBit.  I got one for the wife a while ago, but she drives me crazy because she doesn't always wear it.  On the other hand, I'm obsessed with it.

5.  I also got a new sports bra, since the one I own (yes, I only own one, because my boobies are giganamous and only fit into certain expensive and yet super-supportive bras with 15 hooks) is on its last legs.  But I don't think I could work out without it without knocking myself unconscious with one of my giant knockers.  Enell, I love you.

6.  I have to go to Chicago for work Monday through Friday of next week.  I'm a little irritated about this, because Wednesday is the wife's birthday and Friday is my birthday.  Stupid freaking job.  There should be some kind of amnesty from traveling on your birthday.

7.  My favorite beach vacation spot, when we lived on the east coast, was Tybee Island.  Now that we live in Texas, we're trying to figure out what to do for a beach vacation.

8.  Or maybe we'll just go back to Vegas in August.  I *heart* Vegas.

9.  Last night I made myself the strangest dinner:  refried beans, canned chicken, Ragu light alfredo sauce and salsa.  Stir it all up, microwave it for 60 seconds and it's surprisingly tasty.  And then I also had a Thomas' bagel thin with a Laughing Cow wedge.  Because I've had a craving for everything bagels since, like, the beginning of May.  Those bagel thins really hit the spot for me.

10.  What's for dinner tonight?  No, seriously, I want to know what you're having for dinner.  Give me ideas!

Do you ever really *deserve* food?

This morning, for reasons that will remain unmentioned, I spent 20 minutes sitting on the floor of a family bathroom in the lobby of a hotel downtown, sobbing uncontrollably.  Yes, it's one of Those Days.

As I drove home from that hotel, I found myself thinking, "I want to go to Taco Bell.  I want a fucking Burrito Supreme.  And a Number 5 combo, with a Baja Blast.  It's been such a shitty day and it's not even noon, and I've been so good these last 7 weeks.  I deserve Taco Bell." 

Many months ago, just after my first serious GERD incident, I quit smoking.  Those of you who smoke or who have quit smoking are going to hate me for this, but - Quitting wasn't hard for me.  One day I just stopped.  The end.  One day I woke up with no desire to smoke anymore, and I haven't since.  It wasn't a difficult thing to do.  I didn't have cravings.  I didn't miss it.  Smoking was just out of my life, almost like I'd always been a non-smoker.  No big deal.

Fast food is a different beast for me.  You may tell me that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, but I'll tell you this - nothing feels as good as numbing myself with food.  Hi, it's nice to meet you.  I'm an emotional eater and a fast food addict. 

I didn't stop at Taco Bell.  Instead, I went home. For lunch, I ate one of my homemade burritos, which clocks in at 266 calories.  I saved myself 1,674 calories.  It was the right choice.  But I'm not sure why I didn't stop at Taco Bell.  I'm not sure what happened in my head to make me keep driving.  I don't think it was willpower.  I think I just got lucky. 

I hate that my first thought, my first reaction to stress, is to eat fast food.  I hate that food, the thing that we all need to live, is my addiction.  I hate that I can't kick it the same way I kicked smoking, right to the curb without looking back.

I hate that the rest of my life is going to be a struggle with The Food Demon, and that I'm not always going to get lucky.

BYOC!

It's finally Friday!  *whew*

1.  Do you know your credit score?  Do you check it regularly?  Does it matter to you?

 

I do not currently know my credit score.  I bought my first house last August, though, and at that point in time I did know my score.  I should probably check it now, since I recently paid off an asston of credit card debt.  As an aside, my wife and I split the down payment on our house, but the mortgage is in my name, as her credit score is very low and, since we're a same-sex couple living in Texas, we couldn't add her to the paperwork during the closing.  We'd have to pay a fee and fill out more paperwork in order to get her added after the fact.  We haven't gotten around to it yet.  I have this fear that I'll die suddenly and, since I also don't have a will, my parents will own everything and kick her out.  Oh, the joys of having no marital rights. 

2.  What’s your go to “water-cooler-off-er” each summer?  Small kiddie pool, “real” pool, sprinkler, public pool, hotel pool, or stay inside in the air and never don a bathing suit ever?

We moved to Texas from several states away due to a job transfer (my job).  The stipulation when we moved was that we would 1) buy a house (our mortgage is actually less than we were paying in rent before we moved) 2) close to my job (I now commute 10 minutes, instead of 90) and 3) with a pool.  By god, we have a pool.  And I love it.  It's my favorite thing about living in Texas.  

3.  Describe your phone cover…  if you have one.

How about a picture?

 

4.  If you ever had a wedding, what were your colors or theme?  If you aren’t married – but plan to be some day – what will your colors or theme be?

We were married last September in Washington, D.C. (where it's legal).  The theme was "humid."  It was a gross, rainy, hot weekend.  We had a small group of friends (literally like 12 people), so no attendants or anything like that.  We had BBQ catered and a lot of wine.  No, really, a lot of wine.  We didn't even wear anything formal - I wore a jersey dress with flip flops, and she wore a blue satin number, also with flip flops.  My vows included the word "boobs."  I guess if I had to pick a theme, it was mason jars.  I designed our save-the-dates, invites and RSVP cards, which we printed ourselves on the cheap, each of which had mason jars on them.  During the ceremony, we put mason jars everywhere, and we made dough hearts, painted them a shiny blue and tied them to the jars with jute.  Then we filled the jars with candles or flowers or candy.  Each guest took home a jar at the end of the weekend, and we ended up leaving close to 30 jars in the townhouse we rented (you're welcome, owner!).  We took two of the jars home with us and put our handwritten vows in them.  They sit on the top shelf of our bookcase. 

 

5.  Repeat question:  Summarize your week.

It's been a frustrating week on the weight loss front.  I don't know if it's the reintroduction of exercise or if I'm eating the wrong number of calories or what, but my weight varies *wildly* from one day to the next.  This morning, for example, I'm up 3.5lbs from yesterday morning.  What did I do in that time period?  I ate 1,200 calories (83 grams of protein), drank 100 oz of water, peed a million times and went to Zumba.  I know that I should probably only be looking at the scale once a week, but I NEED the affirmation or condemnation of those numbers right now to keep me on track.  

That said, I am starting to overcome some of my issues with exercising in public.  I've been to three Zumba classes and three boot camps, and it gets a little bit better every time.  I'm thinking about trying a WaterFit class tomorrow, since I love being in the pool, but I have some concerns about what to wear in the pool.  Wearing only a swimsuit is not an option, but will I look ridiculous if I wear a shirt over it?

Ten Things Thursday

1a.  I went to Zumba again last night.  Different instructor this time.  She was a disaster - the majority of the class couldn't follow her very complex moves.  It was more of a dance/choreography class than aerobics.  She also kept stopping and starting the music and asking us what we wanted to do next.  I will not be taking from her again.

1b.  There is yet another Zumba instructor tonight, so I will be giving her a try.  I'm also investigating this martial arts studio by my house that has Zumba every night.

1c.  I like Zumba much better than boot camp, which kicked my ass yesterday.  I feel bad for the people who live near my gym, because we do boot camp outside (at 5:15am) and the instructor blares (uncensored) rap music from a boom box.  If I lived nearby, I'd shank us.

2.  I generally like most of my co-workers who are at my level and below (my boss is a different conversation).  But there is this one guy.  This one, really nice guy.  WHO WILL NOT SHUT UP.  I avoid walking near him because he will try to engage me in conversation.  I try not to make eye contact, because every conversation lasts 20 minutes.  Every time he talks in a meeting, it's to rephrase something someone else has said, while taking longer to say it.  God, it drives me nuts.  I just want to duct tape his mouth shut.

3.  I am thinking about painting my living room this weekend.  We bought our house in August of last year.  It's our first house.  I generally love it, but the previous owner made some... questionable decorating choices (she also failed to disclose that the plumbing didn't work, costing me $4k in the first month I lived there, but I'm totally not bitter).  The living room is beige, with one wall (the longest, of course) being a fire engine red color.  I'm not sure what the thought process was behind that, but the previous owner seemed to have a thing for accent walls (there was also the poop brown wall in the master bedroom that was causing me to lose sleep until I finally painted it).  The red wall has been bothering me for the last 9 months.

4.  We put more water in our pool on Monday.  It's been raining since Wednesday afternoon.  The pool is now threatening to overflow.  This happens every time we put more water in the pool.

5.  I have so much work I need to do and zero motivation to do it.  Every morning this week I've come to work thinking, "I will get stuff done today!" and then it takes 5 minutes for my email to refresh, by which time I've distracted myself with something shiny that then occupies me for the rest of the day.

6.  My mother is coming to visit me in July.  My parents do not know about my band.  I am currently living in fear of PBing in front of her.  Chew, chew, chew!

7.  I finished my 300 calorie, 20g of protein breakfast about 3 hours ago.  I'm starting to get hungry again.  Is 3 hours of satiation about what I should expect at this point in time?

8.  I use my chewable vitamins as a snack.

9a.  I've been doing a good job with my water goals this week.  I aim for 100 oz. every day - yesterday, due to the two exercise sessions, I got 126 oz.  

9b.  I have an aunt who had water poisoning several years ago.  It landed her in the hospital.  I am now very paranoid about this.

10.  I'm so jealous of all of you that work summer hours on Fridays.  My job used to offer that, but it went away - along with all of the other lovely work-life balance aspects of my company - when they moved us halfway across the country.  I miss it.

Quitters Never Win

So, I didn't quit boot camp.

My wife said, "If you don't want to go, that's fine.  I'm still going to go.  And sooner or later I'm going to need you to get over your fear."

I thought about that.  I thought about the fact that I didn't want to quit something just 2-1/2 weeks after my surgery.  I don't want to start a pattern of excuses and quitting.  I lived the first 30 years of my life as a quitter.  I've quit almost everything I've ever started.  I don't want to be a quitter anymore.

So I took my ass to boot camp again this morning.  And I felt like I was going to die the whole time.  I walked when a lot of people were running.  I almost racked myself doing bear crawls (seriously, I almost fell on my face. I was envisioning needing some extensive dental work.).  I stepped up when other people jumped.

But you know what?  I did it.  And it didn't kill me. 

Only 8 more classes to go.  (The noise my brain is making thinking about that is, "OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD.")

I also took my first Zumba class last night.  I like Zumba - it was a sweaty mess of a workout with the cutest 18-year-old boy leading the class.  He was wearing a hat and his shoes matched his belt.  I just wanted to hug him, but again, I was sweaty.  I also liked Zumba because the skinny lady in front of me couldn't figure out a single move.  Skinny people can be uncoordinated, too!  Thank you, skinny lady. 

I think I might be a quitter...

So, this morning was boot camp.  The wife and I woke up at 4:40am to get to the gym by 5am.  The class started at 5:15am.  There was very little introduction and no real set of instructions, just "Let's warm up.  Push ups!"

After the warm up (which was a workout for me, what with the running, jumping jacks, kicking, lunging and squatting and such), the instructor informed us that we'd be doing time trials. 

I am not particularly proud to admit that I burst into tears at that.  There I was, fattest person in the class (other than, you know, the 6'5" guy), finding out that I was going to have to run laps and do squats and whatever the hell "daisy cutters" are (I have never heard that term in my life, and I've been acquainted with my fair share of exercise videos) in front of everyone.  And be timed. 

And all of my anxieties - about being fat, out of shape, ashamed, performing in front of other people, failing in front of other people - came rolling out of me.  I don't think anyone but the wife saw me cry, but I'll admit that it was not my proudest moment.  Not even in the top 10. 

My wife said, "Let's go home.  We can go.  No one will care."

But, being both stubborn and really, really not wanting to quit in front of other people, I said no.  I said no, and the wife and I ran our laps and did our mountain climbers and tricep dips and all of the rest of it.  We modified, as the instructor told us we could, and we didn't finish last (the 6'5" guy did, in case you were wondering).

I was so far outside of my comfort zone that I wasn't even in its orbit.  I wasn't even in the same solar system.  I wanted to die.  I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.  It's 8 hours later and I still want to die. 

So I'm going back and forth on whether or not to go back on Wednesday.  Wednesday is an obstacle course, and just hearing that made me want to curl up into a great big ball of shame and weep.  I just don't think I'm ready for this.  I think that boot camp at this point in my journey is asking a lot.  Of course, I also think I may be rationalizing my way out of a very uncomfortable situation. 

 Oh, hell.  I have no idea.

After boot camp, we came home, showered and I went back to sleep for a couple of hours - since I had my first fill appointment at 9:30am, I just took the whole morning off of work. 

I was worried that the traumatic boot camp experience was setting the stage for a traumatic time at the doctor's office.  But everything went really, really smoothly.  They do all of their fills under fluoro, and the whole process was really smooth - 30 seconds at most.  I also didn't find it particularly uncomfortable, though the woman who went after me told me that hers hurt like hell.  I'm pretty sensitive to pain (and I hate needles), but mine didn't feel like anything dramatic.

So now I'm filled and on liquids today (I'm starving!) and then mushies tomorrow.  The best part is that they cleared me to start swimming in my own pool, so that's where I'll be after work today (and every day for the rest of the summer).