Monday, May 14, 2012

Freaking Out

My surgery is on Wednesday.

I am freaking out.

I'm not nervous about the surgery itself, or even the few days afterward.  This is odd, given that I am such a ninny about pain.  But any thought about those issues is completely dwarfed by one, all-consuming thought:

What if I pay all of this money and have freaking bariatric surgery and I STILL CAN'T LOSE THE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF????

I know that the band is a tool.  I fully understand that it won't do the work for me.  I'm committed to doing this, to changing my life.  I've lost 18.5 pounds on my pre-op diet, and I want that number to keep going down.  I have a million reasons for wanting and needing to lose weight. 

But what happens if I fail?

My wife (who was very sick with food poisoning this weekend, the poor thing) has had about enough of listening to me ask this question.  She says (with love), "Look, you never have a problem losing some weight.  You're the master of losing 40 or 50 pounds.  But what you can't do is stick with it.  You never get past that 50 pound mark, and you certainly never keep it off.  You need help.  And this is designed to help you.  And I know that you're making the right decision."

I love her for being so supportive, for drinking shakes two times a day and having soup for dinner for the last twelve days.  I love that she's not one of those spouses bringing fast food and pizza into the house while I'm eating cottage cheese.  I know that she's going to be there for me the whole way through this thing, and for the rest of our lives.

But despite all of that, I am still completely freaking out.

21 comments:

  1. You said you are committed to changing your life. Follow the bandster rules and add exercise into your life and you will be fine.
    Breath- this is an exciting journey and it sounds like you have excellent support.

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    1. Thanks. I'm looking forward to the "exciting journey" part that I know comes after "mind-blowing anxiety."

      I know that the anxiety comes from being very fiscally conservative ("cheap," some would say). Aside from the down payment on my house, I've never spent so much money at one time on anything. I just want to make sure that I get a good return on my investment. What I need to remember, I think, is that *I* am the one in control of that. I'm my own Weight Loss Investment Adviser.

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  2. You are going to be a band superstar, I just know it. Reading your blog entries I can just feel how committed you are to the process and to being successful. Also, the fact that you're paying 50% out of pocket will be a ridiculously huge motivator. I know it was for me!

    Wishing you all the best tomorrow! If you ever need advice or just to talk to someone who's been there, feel free to e-mail me any time!

    I'll give you a shout-out on my blog so hopefully some more people will stop by and show you some support. :)

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    1. Thank you so much - I really appreciate everything you said, as well as the shout-out. It's so great that there are successful bandsters like you who are willing to help us newbs. I'm not sure I'd be doing this without your stories.

      I'm actually only paying about 17% out of pocket (half of that last week and half of it tomorrow), but even that amount makes me a little queasy.

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  3. You'll do GREAT. Enjoy the pain meds :)

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    1. Oh, I will. Picked 'em up this morning, in fact. They smell like cherry.

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  4. 1) Ronnie sent me. 2) You will do great! 3) Best of luck tomorrow!!

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    1. Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

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  5. Good for you....You WILL be a band superstar!!

    See you on the other side!

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  6. Ronnie sent me too! You really will do great! Sounds like you are in a TERRIFIC mindset to succeed. I paid for mine out of pocket too, and it definitely helps knowing that it wasn't just $300 for another meal plan... it's WAY more $$ for a WAY bigger change! You'll love it!

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    1. Thanks so much!

      I'm actually not paying for the whole thing out of pocket - only about 17% (insurance picked up the rest). But it's still more money than I have spent at one time on anything other than the down payment for my house!

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  7. Ronnie sent me :)

    Good luck!!! You will do amazing!

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  8. Ronnie sent me! Don't freak out! you are going to Crush this! Good luck tomorrow!

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    1. Thanks so much! This outpouring of support has really put my nerves at ease.

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  9. New follower here!!!! Ronnie sent me. Good luck today. I was banded 5/7 and had my hernia repaired to. (thank goodness!)

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    1. I think I may actually be looking forward to the hernia repair even more than the band.

      I look forward to reading about your journey as I take my own!!

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  10. Yes! I love hearing about your supportive wife! I would hug her if I saw her. What a wonderful companion to have as you wade through this and change your life for the good!

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